RAGE ending to enRAGE you
Hello my little vault dwellers…wait wrong game. Hello vault hunters…nope I’m sorry let me try again. Ahem…it’s ah me, Mario! Between BRINK, RAGE, Fallout and Borderlands the words ark and vault have lost all meaning. I finally beat RAGE and I have to say the ending fell flat on its face like a mutant with a BFG blast to the slimy groin. [SPOILER ALERT AHEAD]
In RAGE you wake up from your Demolition Man slumber only to be picked up by some random dude in a car he found in MAD MAX. The guy pulls up and you get in his car no questions asked. I wish my character would have had more common sense and told that man “My president said don’t talk to strangers”, but you get in anyway cause your groggy and you need your coffee. When you arrive at the first town the good folks there tell you to watch out for The Authority, which sounds like a rock band from the 80’s, but is actually an evil government organization on a power trip. So you go on some missions and kill some bandits and mutants and other kinds of bandits and then more mutants and Deathclaws…wait oops sorry again.
When you meet The Authority [80’s guitar riff] it is about halfway through the game and for about a few fights. Then you meet them again later for another few battles. I felt I fought more mutants and bandits than I fought The Authority [Flying V-guitar riff] who I guess is the main villain even though they just felt like a dark shadow of a douche bag over these people bleak ass existence.
When the time comes you finally join The Resistance and they send you on a few missions to screw over The Authority [guitar riff and whammy bar]. When The Resistance leader gets you ready for the last mission. He gives you a speech and informs you that this is what we’ve been fighting for. Wait a minute there Capn’ One Robot Leg what we’ve been fighting for? You mean what you have been fighting for. I was fine dreaming about Jenny McCarthy in the Christmas Issue of Playboy of 1996 before I was unfrozen like a plump turkey and plopped in the middle of your so called freedom fight. I mean you have tradeposts, weapons, towns, food, cars, and electricity. Looks like your doing just fine. Why don’t you pop me back in the old fridge and set the temperature to “Piss Off”.
So now we get to the final fight. So you fight your way through The Authority’s [guitar riff and drum solo] mainframe to send out a signal and wake up all your little Ark friends and poo poo on the evil governments plan to not wake your Ark friends. When you complete that task it just ends. I found myself thinking “Oh…yeah I guess that’s what would happen…ok.” It just felt empty and sort of like a crappy kids story. “And then the brave wasteland prince freed all his sleeping friends. Then mutants came and ate all their faces before they woke up. And they lived happily ever after…The End.
Man, Shipwreck you let yourself go…
