Shadows of the Damned this game is so stupid…
Shadows of the Damned is a game based on one long, hard, throbbing dick joke. Literally everything is about penis, sex, boobs, etc.
You play an illiterate demon hunter named Garcia Hotspurr and your sidekick gun named “Johnson”. Johnson has modes such as Big Boner, Boner Ripper, Boner Wing, Cock Rocket, and Big Penis Gun. The story is as shallow as a cold pool that shrinks a penis. In a nutsack shell your girlfriend, who you found by a dumpster (I am not joking), gets taken away by demons. So of course Mr. Hotspurr (sounds like a kinky sex shop item) jumps into a portal to the bowels (POOP!) of hell and gives chase after his beloved hussy. On a side note if someone stole my coffee table I found next to a bin at the local Denny’s I wouldn’t chase after it on the Garden State Parkway.
As for Hell, it looks like a Tarantino movie with a lot of penis’s, peni’s? pen15’s? The weapons and upgrades are original and exciting (sarcasm!). For example you can upgrade the damage, reload time and ammo capacity of each of the three whole weapons. I know what your thinking, how revolutionary. You get a pistol, shotgun and SMG, which is a fresh new combination of weapons you rarely see in First Person Shooter’s.
Mr. Buttspurr moves like a Panzer Tank that just pooped its’ pants. Some enemies require you to shoot a bright red cylindrical bubble on there back. Nothing spells fun like shooting a demon in the back that turns around faster than you can turn. Killing a demon is as rewarding as a dog chasing its’ tail if the tail was dipped in cyanide. I stopped playing this gem of a drink coaster after about half way through. I threw the disc across the room during a segment where you have to run away from a demon who is posing as your garbage girlfriend. She is an unstoppable force, which kills you instantly with one touch. Of course the demon kills you with one touch when you play as a Professional Demon Hunter!! But, no, up until then you have fought creatures with chainsaws on their arms, legions of undead, and a giant goat upon a horse that poops fire. So of course your junky, dumpster ridden, husk of a woman kills you with one touch. I guess this is a safe sex message from the developers. “Don’t have sex with waste bins because they will kill you with one touch”.
THE END
P.S. - Penis. Boobs. Titty.
“Quick shoot that Cock Monster about to kill you with his Ballsack Gun that shoots Sperm Bullets out of it’s Taint Barrel with your Pussy Boner Cannon equipped with Demon Jizz Homing Penis Missles!”
