RAGE ending to enRAGE you
Hello my little vault dwellers…wait wrong game. Hello vault hunters…nope I’m sorry let me try again. Ahem…it’s ah me, Mario! Between BRINK, RAGE, Fallout and Borderlands the words ark and vault have lost all meaning. I finally beat RAGE and I have to say the ending fell flat on its face like a mutant with a BFG blast to the slimy groin. [SPOILER ALERT AHEAD]
In RAGE you wake up from your Demolition Man slumber only to be picked up by some random dude in a car he found in MAD MAX. The guy pulls up and you get in his car no questions asked. I wish my character would have had more common sense and told that man “My president said don’t talk to strangers”, but you get in anyway cause your groggy and you need your coffee. When you arrive at the first town the good folks there tell you to watch out for The Authority, which sounds like a rock band from the 80’s, but is actually an evil government organization on a power trip. So you go on some missions and kill some bandits and mutants and other kinds of bandits and then more mutants and Deathclaws…wait oops sorry again.
When you meet The Authority [80’s guitar riff] it is about halfway through the game and for about a few fights. Then you meet them again later for another few battles. I felt I fought more mutants and bandits than I fought The Authority [Flying V-guitar riff] who I guess is the main villain even though they just felt like a dark shadow of a douche bag over these people bleak ass existence.
When the time comes you finally join The Resistance and they send you on a few missions to screw over The Authority [guitar riff and whammy bar]. When The Resistance leader gets you ready for the last mission. He gives you a speech and informs you that this is what we’ve been fighting for. Wait a minute there Capn’ One Robot Leg what we’ve been fighting for? You mean what you have been fighting for. I was fine dreaming about Jenny McCarthy in the Christmas Issue of Playboy of 1996 before I was unfrozen like a plump turkey and plopped in the middle of your so called freedom fight. I mean you have tradeposts, weapons, towns, food, cars, and electricity. Looks like your doing just fine. Why don’t you pop me back in the old fridge and set the temperature to “Piss Off”.
So now we get to the final fight. So you fight your way through The Authority’s [guitar riff and drum solo] mainframe to send out a signal and wake up all your little Ark friends and poo poo on the evil governments plan to not wake your Ark friends. When you complete that task it just ends. I found myself thinking “Oh…yeah I guess that’s what would happen…ok.” It just felt empty and sort of like a crappy kids story. “And then the brave wasteland prince freed all his sleeping friends. Then mutants came and ate all their faces before they woke up. And they lived happily ever after…The End.
Man, Shipwreck you let yourself go…
Shadows of the Damned this game is so stupid…
Shadows of the Damned is a game based on one long, hard, throbbing dick joke. Literally everything is about penis, sex, boobs, etc.
You play an illiterate demon hunter named Garcia Hotspurr and your sidekick gun named “Johnson”. Johnson has modes such as Big Boner, Boner Ripper, Boner Wing, Cock Rocket, and Big Penis Gun. The story is as shallow as a cold pool that shrinks a penis. In a nutsack shell your girlfriend, who you found by a dumpster (I am not joking), gets taken away by demons. So of course Mr. Hotspurr (sounds like a kinky sex shop item) jumps into a portal to the bowels (POOP!) of hell and gives chase after his beloved hussy. On a side note if someone stole my coffee table I found next to a bin at the local Denny’s I wouldn’t chase after it on the Garden State Parkway.
As for Hell, it looks like a Tarantino movie with a lot of penis’s, peni’s? pen15’s? The weapons and upgrades are original and exciting (sarcasm!). For example you can upgrade the damage, reload time and ammo capacity of each of the three whole weapons. I know what your thinking, how revolutionary. You get a pistol, shotgun and SMG, which is a fresh new combination of weapons you rarely see in First Person Shooter’s.
Mr. Buttspurr moves like a Panzer Tank that just pooped its’ pants. Some enemies require you to shoot a bright red cylindrical bubble on there back. Nothing spells fun like shooting a demon in the back that turns around faster than you can turn. Killing a demon is as rewarding as a dog chasing its’ tail if the tail was dipped in cyanide. I stopped playing this gem of a drink coaster after about half way through. I threw the disc across the room during a segment where you have to run away from a demon who is posing as your garbage girlfriend. She is an unstoppable force, which kills you instantly with one touch. Of course the demon kills you with one touch when you play as a Professional Demon Hunter!! But, no, up until then you have fought creatures with chainsaws on their arms, legions of undead, and a giant goat upon a horse that poops fire. So of course your junky, dumpster ridden, husk of a woman kills you with one touch. I guess this is a safe sex message from the developers. “Don’t have sex with waste bins because they will kill you with one touch”.
THE END
P.S. - Penis. Boobs. Titty.
“Quick shoot that Cock Monster about to kill you with his Ballsack Gun that shoots Sperm Bullets out of it’s Taint Barrel with your Pussy Boner Cannon equipped with Demon Jizz Homing Penis Missles!”
DUKE NUKEM: takes FOREVER
I finally beat Duke Nukem: Forever. It was fun, funny, action packed and had the LONGEST LOAD SCREEN EVER! Which played the same music over and over with some dumb lines to read that give helpful information like “Press ‘A’ to jump”, “Kill Pig monsters with bullets” and “You are playing Duke Nukem: Forever!”.
Next time they should make them informative such as: “To make Gewy Fudgy Brownies even FUDGIER add less milk to the mix!”
The final boss is the same one you beat in the meta Duke Nukem game in the beginning so after you beat him I hoped the ending to be another meta reference like the camera pans out and Crash Bandicoot is playing the game! But sadly no. Duke is airlifted out of the exploding damn then we cut to a screen where it has claimed Duke has died in battle. Then a black screen we hear Dukes voice saying “What kind of shit ending is that, I aint dead, I’m comin’ back for more” OH I SMELL DLC! Then a press conference and he is asked what he’s going to do next which he replies “I’m gonna run for president”. Now during the Bush administration this was comedy gold but during Obama’s administration it’s just plain rude.
This is what some people occupied themselves with during the long load screens during the game. I have to give the game credit because the music is pretty good the first twenty times then you just wish you were in this pit and got trampled to death.
(PS-This image actually came up when you Google Duke Nukem Forever!)
Vietnam like you never played before…with lasers!
COD: Black Ops is set in Vietnam during covert “Black Ops” missions. The developers try hard with research from war vets, a great soundtrack and missions that may have existed. Sounds cool right? Wrong. In a few missions you use Laser sights, camera mounted missiles from tanks, and Kevlar. All these “supposedly” were NOT invented. Camera mounted missiles in the mid 60’s? Also Ice-T does a wonderful job as a Black Ops soldier spouting catch phrases coined in 2009. Not to sound racist but wasn’t there A LOT of racism in 1960’s? They let African American soldiers in war ON THE FRONT LINES, not in a Special Ops category unless he was a coffee runner. They try to make it realistic but they fail because they feel they have to put high tech weapons in a timepiece game. I heard a rumor they are making a COD: Civil War. Your main character has a jet pack mounted on a high tech suit powered by steam and a kite that gets recharged when lightening strikes it. You’re arsenal is a rifle that fires illustration mounted cannon balls. The ammo draws pictures as they fly so you can guide them to the target. Relive the Civil War like never before! Here ye! Here ye! Tis not your four fathers war anymore dog!
“Pre-order son! Add me on live my tag is N00bswi11b0w2th3cu3e!”
This post is FULLY upgradable. Add more exclamation points and caps lock. YES!!!
Recently I re-played Splinter Cell: Conviction and it reminded me of when developers claim that you can UPGRADE your arsenal! For example in the previews I read the devs made it sound like you can tweak your guns to fit your killing style. So like an idiot I got excited at the possibilities. Wow I bet I could add a scope, fire in different modes (Ala Spread, Machine Gun, Etc.) or change the types of bullets. That’s what I would like in an upgrade. Instead you get the trifecta of suckness. Add larger clip, faster reload, and accuracy. ACCURACY and FASTER RELOADS! I have never been in a fire fight and thought I need more accuracy! or this reload is so slow! But even after the upgrades I never notice a change in game play. Unless your character was so stupid he unloaded the five bullets in the clip and licked the gun when you reloaded. Then after the upgrades you would SEE the difference. All it is now is empty promises…empty hollow pointed promises.
“See you at the party Richter!”
* if you don’t get this reference do some research! Then get your ass to MARS!
Why I love LOOT in RPG’s.
The answer is simple because every fight, every beast slain, every chest opened is a new gift! It’s like every battle is Christmas morning minus all that blood…unless you asked Santa Clause for blood and that’s just morbid.
Oooh it’s just what I wanted a LV 10 Elvish of Glark Sword with ATK: 23 that causes FIRE DMG! Thanks so much Santa Clause too bad I had to kill you to get it.
Dread Rising: Too
My dad and Chuck Greene from Dead Rising 2 have two things in common: They both love duct tape and use the bathroom WAY too much.
“Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!”
Bowl of Doodie: Big Plops
I don’t know what all the fuss is about with the Call of Duty franchise. In my opinion in every firefight I find it difficult to decipher an enemy from my own troops! I’ve hit more Friendly’s than a fat kid with a coupon book and a hunger for a Hunka Chunka PB Fudge Lava Cake Sundae!
With the COD: BLACK OPS Special Edition you receive the Ecto-Cooler Rifle that squirts the Vietcong with a blast of outrageous fruit flavor!
My tribute to release dates…
This post has been delayed till March, 2011.
